How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
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I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
adam and eve had first world problems
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there