Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
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“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
the answer was staring at me all along
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off