How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
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[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.