How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
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“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
*lint rolls you awake*
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.