@J0hnnyBlaze

How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now

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@offbeatoliv

Number of times my dog has puked on:

the tile floor: 0

the carpet: 3,290

@TheToddWilliams

“I propose a toast”

“I propose a bagel.”

“Ya bagel, much better.”

@Goofpoops

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Not banging my friends.

@Skoogeth

[during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}

@online_shawn

Last night I went to a hardware store with my dad and a lady was leaving the store with a shovel and my dad yelled UH OH SHOVEL TIME at her

@ClichedOut

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

@Book_Krazy

Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.

Sam: No one else is here.

Sam: You’re here.

Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!

Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!

@arcadeseals

doctor: how are you feeling

me: with nerve endings, you should really know this

@AthenaMystique

Dear Google Maps,

Don’t insult me by telling me to head “southwest”. If I knew where southwest was, I wouldn’t be using you.

Kthnxbye