@J0hnnyBlaze

How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now

How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now

- @J0hnnyBlaze

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@sonictyrant

[first trip on a cruise liner]

CAPTAIN: welcome! only rule here is: loose lips sink ships
ME: {throws Mick Jagger overboard}

@nbadag

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

@BuckyIsotope

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

@MikeOdenthal

Think about how many variations of apple there would be had they not mercy-killed the pineapple guy before he could name more fruits

@JasonLastname

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.

@lazerdoov

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

@meghaffer

If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.

@WilliamAder

Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.