How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
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Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.