HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
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[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.