How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
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Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION