How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
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Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.