[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
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I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT