By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.
*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
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Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
At the gym I go to there is a dumpy soft bodied dude who sits on the floor while his mega hot Instagram model gym girlfriend works out. They smile & talk to eachother but he never works out he just chills alone playing on his phone
Anyway he’s the most alpha dude at the gym 100%
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Boom! You’re pregnant!
-Me, speed dating