@Marlebean

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*

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@HatfieldAnne

By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”

@Bob_Janke

Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.

@iLikeCatShirts

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

@Shaydozer

At the gym I go to there is a dumpy soft bodied dude who sits on the floor while his mega hot Instagram model gym girlfriend works out. They smile & talk to eachother but he never works out he just chills alone playing on his phone

Anyway he’s the most alpha dude at the gym 100%

@wife_housy

Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.

Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.

Suburban life is a roller coaster.

@ClichedOut

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

@RdrJay47

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

@trishm426

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

@PaperWash

[1st date]

date: …you said you had abs

me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan