@ehchino

How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good

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@joshgondelman

Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.

@stockejock

Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.

@eddiesteadyno

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

@Donna_McCoy

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.

@Crigmaster

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

@danielvisme

Her: I just read this really funny thing on FB.

Me: No you didn’t.

@StarksWeek

I’m not saying I’m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I’ll probably do whatever you want

@MarlonBrandNO

“Drop it like its hot”

-Terrible Parenting advice from snoop dog

@offbeatoliv

Sister: “Family shot time”

Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”

Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”

Me: oh