How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good

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Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.


Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.


Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.


Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.


So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?


Her: I just read this really funny thing on FB.

Me: No you didn’t.


I’m not saying I’m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I’ll probably do whatever you want


“Drop it like its hot”

-Terrible Parenting advice from snoop dog


Sister: “Family shot time”

Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”

Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”

Me: oh