How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
You Might Also Like
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color