How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
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*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Did a trash talking tree write this?
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.