They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
How do I like my eggs? Unfertilized, thanks.
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The next stick figure family I see with more than 3 stick figure kids is getting a complementary condom taped on their rear window.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
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With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.