So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
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I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
🤣could you imagine
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.