@AthenaMystique

How do I like my eggs? Unfertilized, thanks.

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@envydatropic

They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!

@JaneBadall

The next stick figure family I see with more than 3 stick figure kids is getting a complementary condom taped on their rear window.

@TheCatWhisprer

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

@ddsmidt

I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

@Marlebean

I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.

@coolauntV

The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken

@Darlainky

Me: Achoo!

People trying to scare me: Boo!

My bladder: I hate October.

@SufficientCharm

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HEYYYY MACARENA

@cupcakelynda

With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.