How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
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“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
PARKOUR
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about