How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

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Forgot my Fitbit because it was charging and now it’s like I walked for no reason.


I want a relationship like from Up.

She dies and I get a flying house.


if the grim reaper is any indication, the afterlife is mostly farming


If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.


Carried 9 oranges up to the cashier and she says “Ya want a box for them?”

“I was willing to pay” I said “but I guess we can fight for em”


A man in the car beside me had his arm out the window and I was admiring his sleeve tattoo until I realized it was only excessive arm hair


Me: *pouring beer on the ground*
CW: For your homies?
Me: What? No. This is Coors Light. Nobody should drink this shit.


I have the Anne Hathaway “It came true!” reaction whenever the guy at Subway hands me my sandwich.


Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier

Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years

Me: My driving test went really badly