@DirtMcTurd

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

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@theshamingofjay

Forgot my Fitbit because it was charging and now it’s like I walked for no reason.

@DavidRaymondT

I want a relationship like from Up.

She dies and I get a flying house.

@nachdermas

if the grim reaper is any indication, the afterlife is mostly farming

@MinedOvaMatter

If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.

@NotBachibawlz

Carried 9 oranges up to the cashier and she says “Ya want a box for them?”

“I was willing to pay” I said “but I guess we can fight for em”

@LoriLuvsShoes

A man in the car beside me had his arm out the window and I was admiring his sleeve tattoo until I realized it was only excessive arm hair

@KarateDonuts

Me: *pouring beer on the ground*
CW: For your homies?
Me: What? No. This is Coors Light. Nobody should drink this shit.

@juliussharpe

I have the Anne Hathaway “It came true!” reaction whenever the guy at Subway hands me my sandwich.

@ArfMeasures

Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier

Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years

Me: My driving test went really badly