How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
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Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Breaking news:
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.