@JodingersCat

How do I rate our solar system?

One star

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@CerebralWreck

According to my FitBit, last week I burned 23 calories and my Ex’s house.

@DavePrimeau

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

@TheBoydP

Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…

@JimmerThatisAll

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

@joeljeffrey

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

@suecorvette

Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi

Chameleon: hold on.

@Book_Krazy

Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?

“Sure”[click]

Couple: How does it look?

“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”

@causticbob

Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.

His name was Frank

@illTortuga

I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.

@RoosterMustache

ME: snakes are mean

TEACHER: right

ME: but it’s not their fault. They have 2 ends & no legs

TEACHER: ok

ME: so the ends justify the mean