How do I rate our solar system?
One star
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[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
omg leave her alone
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”