How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
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Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
gentlemen, hear me out
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.