How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
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I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS