How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
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No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Breaking news:
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety