How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
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I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
🖤✌🏽
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.