As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
You Might Also Like
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Awwwww shit.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.