I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
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Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Actually cracking up @ this
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.