me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
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Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality