How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
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My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.