3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
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Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.