How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
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If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Nice try, poison.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I hate my earbuds.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.