how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
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Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
I love snow
– People who never shovel
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.