How do people in the movies dig 6-foot deep graves with a shovel? I got tired digging a hole to plant a bush

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1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.


Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.


Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.


My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault


Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.


I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”


Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.


Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife


Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?