@spicy_peen

How do people in the movies dig 6-foot deep graves with a shovel? I got tired digging a hole to plant a bush

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@SufficientCharm

1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

@SortaBad

My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault

@WilliamAder

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

@vineyille

I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”

@Love_bug1016

Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.

@sarahwcurtis

Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife

@JimmerThatisAll

Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?