Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
You Might Also Like
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids