How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
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ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
That time Alicia messaged me
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
I’ll be mad as hell!
When I said I liked it rough.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.