How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
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You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Teach your children to beatbox
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Did…did a minotaur write this
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.