Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
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You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*