My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
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(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Had to try this trend 😊
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?