5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
You Might Also Like
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.