How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
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[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon