Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
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[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG: