Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
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The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.