@KKAlThani

“How do we hide Superman’s identity?” They asked.

A man kicked in the door & yelled “With glasses!” & everyone started clapping for him.

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@ramblinma

Person at the grocery store: “How many months along are you?”

Me, not pregnant: “Five. Can I have your Charmin?”

@NikatNiteNite

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

@sageboggs

My friends & I were taking shots every time Trump interrupted Clinton. My BFF Chad is dead 🙁

@Crigmaster

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

@mack44_d

Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.

@RecursiveTaco

Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!

@TheAndrewNadeau

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??

@JermHimselfish

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

@trojansauce

something amazing about the original ghost busters movie is that it was made in the 80s before the invention of special effects so they had to cast actual ghosts

@iamspacegirl

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”