“How do we hide Superman’s identity?” They asked.

A man kicked in the door & yelled “With glasses!” & everyone started clapping for him.

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Person at the grocery store: “How many months along are you?”

Me, not pregnant: “Five. Can I have your Charmin?”


My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.


My friends & I were taking shots every time Trump interrupted Clinton. My BFF Chad is dead 🙁


So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?


Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.


Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!


wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—



I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”


something amazing about the original ghost busters movie is that it was made in the 80s before the invention of special effects so they had to cast actual ghosts


when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”