“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
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I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.