@HatfieldAnne

How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.

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@PopeAwesomeXIII

Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.

Me: Nachos.

Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.

Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?

@sixfootcandy

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.

@TomJonesN

At my age Friends with Insurance Benefits sounds just as appealing.

@ClichedOut

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

@unravelingfire

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

@Rollinintheseat

I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.

@9GAG

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

@Beerhaze

Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!