@protolalia

How do you call a meerkat?

C’meerkat.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

@danadonly

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

@Ygrene

[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*

@leshnevsky

Scars make a man handsome? Bathe your cat every day and you’ll become the sexiest man in the city very soon!

@Karate_Horse

[karate sign up table]
“Ok guys with a ponytail or that are named Vince please form a second line you are the advanced class”

@thatUPSdude

*at a casino*

Me: How much are these chips worth?

Dealer: Sir those are Pringles

@JohnnyBrash

4: Where did I come from?
Me: Mommy’s belly.
4: How’d I get there?
Me: I, uh…put you there?
4: How did you…
Me: WHO WANTS ICE CREAM?!

@Gupton68

I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.

@dsmitty62

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!