@MichaelaOkla
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
@ihateitmunky
Hot girl: hi
Me: are you a cop?
@whereami18
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
@Thynebear
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
@SkinnerSteven
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
@Jade_VK
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
@jwoodham
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
@CauseWereGuys
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri “What do women want?” She has been talking nonstop for the last two days.
@The_Albinoshrek
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
@BlackManMoney
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
@protolalia