Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
How do you call a meerkat?
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Hot girl: hi
Me: are you a cop?
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri “What do women want?” She has been talking nonstop for the last two days.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.