How do you call a meerkat?


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Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*


calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-but makes me look pathetic


[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*


Scars make a man handsome? Bathe your cat every day and you’ll become the sexiest man in the city very soon!


[karate sign up table]
“Ok guys with a ponytail or that are named Vince please form a second line you are the advanced class”


*at a casino*

Me: How much are these chips worth?

Dealer: Sir those are Pringles


4: Where did I come from?
Me: Mommy’s belly.
4: How’d I get there?
Me: I, uh…put you there?
4: How did you…


I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.


Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!