@protolalia

How do you call a meerkat?

C’meerkat.

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@MichaelaOkla

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

@whereami18

Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.

@Thynebear

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

@Jade_VK

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

@jwoodham

Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.

@CauseWereGuys

Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri “What do women want?” She has been talking nonstop for the last two days.