How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
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To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
I think the cat got the dog high.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.