ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
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I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.