@LeonHWolf

How do you explain this gap in your resume?

“I was in jail.”

Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?

“Swear to God. Jail.”

You Might Also Like

@ArfMeasures

DATE: I like guys who show their sensitive side

ME [through mouthful of ice cream] this hurts my teeth

@RepoMan_617

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

@_odlanyeR

Whoever named the ewe really didn’t like female sheep

@fro_vo

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING

@GrillinChillin9

Smiles from ear to ear.

Wife: what are you smiling about?

Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard

Wife: God I love that dog.

@AddledPixie

I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.

@jessokfine

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

@tiemoose

bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?

me: hey give that back 🙁

[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]

@causticbob

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

@iliezabeth

ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?

GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.