How do you explain this gap in your resume?

“I was in jail.”

Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?

“Swear to God. Jail.”

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First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)


I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.


Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall


trump: u gave hillary 3 scoops of ice cream & i only got 2
icecream guy: u ate the first scoop already
trump: ive never eaten ice cream ever


Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.


I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..


I’ve got hoes in different area codes.

(I’m very careless with my gardening tools.)


VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands


Give a man a subtweet and he’ll be like “is this about me?” Teach a man to subtweet you’ll be like “is that about me?”