“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
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#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Extremely relatable.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.