@MooseAllain

“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”

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@YikYakApp

“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago

@MaraWritesStuff

Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too

@Laser_Cat

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

@markleggett

Whenever a woman tells me that she just wants to have a good time and sleep with me, I say “You can only pick one.”

@darinlovesbacon

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

@Brampersandon_

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.

@Notawhiner

Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”

Yeah, don’t do that.