@MooseAllain

“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”

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@marinhubka

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

@mexinonblonde

I have recently learned that it is considered poor form to sit on Santa’s lap and ask to be made a widow for Christmas…
The more you know.

@PhuktUpScott

My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.

@thetigersez

My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life

@TheWeirdWorld

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

@BuckyIsotope

Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh

@RedemptionAJ

Why is there no volume control on the microwave? Must it always wake the entire house when I’m trying to quietly nuke the last of the pizza?

@JaySuch

My son asked me why girls pee sitting down. I told them they’re lazy.

@princess_snide

Text from two weeks ago:

Sis in law: what do you want for Christmas?

Me: Umm…

So last night, I unwrapped:

@leftarmisme

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.