@MooseAllain
@marinhubka
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
You Might Also Like
@marinhubka
@mexinonblonde
I have recently learned that it is considered poor form to sit on Santa’s lap and ask to be made a widow for Christmas…
The more you know.
@PhuktUpScott
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
@thetigersez
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
@TheWeirdWorld
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
@BuckyIsotope
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
@RedemptionAJ
Why is there no volume control on the microwave? Must it always wake the entire house when I’m trying to quietly nuke the last of the pizza?
@JaySuch
My son asked me why girls pee sitting down. I told them they’re lazy.
@princess_snide
Text from two weeks ago:
Sis in law: what do you want for Christmas?
Me: Umm…
So last night, I unwrapped:
@leftarmisme
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.