Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
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I have recently learned that it is considered poor form to sit on Santa’s lap and ask to be made a widow for Christmas…
The more you know.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Why is there no volume control on the microwave? Must it always wake the entire house when I’m trying to quietly nuke the last of the pizza?
My son asked me why girls pee sitting down. I told them they’re lazy.
Text from two weeks ago:
Sis in law: what do you want for Christmas?
So last night, I unwrapped:
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.