“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
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Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
the battle rages on
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat