How do you get a red wine stain off a baby?

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My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.

Worked great!

Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know


Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know which one of your friends your ex is going to sleep with next


I’m certain my job is interfering with my drinking


Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!


“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”




“Get out!”




ME: gimme a beer with a thick head

BARTENDER: you got it

BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?


[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.