@kellyoxford

How do you get a red wine stain off a baby?

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@T_Bonezzz_

My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.

Worked great!

Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know

@NYC_Blonde

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know which one of your friends your ex is going to sleep with next

@Phook75

I’m certain my job is interfering with my drinking

@heyitsJudeD

Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!

@DirtMcTurd

“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”

Shamcrap?!

“Awful”

Shampoop?!

“Get out!”

Shampoo?

“Genius!”

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: gimme a beer with a thick head

BARTENDER: you got it

BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?

@whatmaddness

[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.