@kellyoxford

How do you get a red wine stain off a baby?

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@funnol

sure you can PAY for a professional photographer, OR you can just lie spread out in a field until 1 finds u and just starts taking pictures

@simoncholland

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

@Swishergirl24

My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.

@jenyb4

Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.

@captainkalvis

waiter: and for you sir?

me: just a water [remembering my date is religious] but make it holy

@Donnie_Fairburn

[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]

vending machine: i have a boyfriend

@junejuly12

“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*

[me as a GPS]

@tweetsbyrocket

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: make her feel wanted

{later}

me: [puts bounty on her]