sure you can PAY for a professional photographer, OR you can just lie spread out in a field until 1 finds u and just starts taking pictures
How do you get a red wine stain off a baby?
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I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
waiter: and for you sir?
me: just a water [remembering my date is religious] but make it holy
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: make her feel wanted
me: [puts bounty on her]