My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
How do you get a red wine stain off a baby?
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Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know which one of your friends your ex is going to sleep with next
I’m certain my job is interfering with my drinking
My spirit animal died of neglect.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.