How do you get a red wine stain off a baby?

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sure you can PAY for a professional photographer, OR you can just lie spread out in a field until 1 finds u and just starts taking pictures


I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.


My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.


Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.


waiter: and for you sir?

me: just a water [remembering my date is religious] but make it holy


[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]

vending machine: i have a boyfriend


“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*

[me as a GPS]


me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: make her feel wanted


me: [puts bounty on her]