You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
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Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.