how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
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by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
They grow up so quick
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Cake safety first. Always.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan