Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
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Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Aw man, but that’s the best part
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”