@AthenaMystique

How do you get spiderwebs out of your hair? Asking because Spider-Man… I mean… Just asking.

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@TimfromDa70s

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

@murrman5

*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?

@Book_Krazy

WAITER: Room for dessert?

[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]

ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don’t have one of those.

@Nikkeya08

{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “I’d like to withdraw 3 sausages and a packet of peanuts please.”

Man: “That isn’t how a food bank works, sir.”

@FuckabillyRex

Fill your coffee maker with cake mix for an amazingly delicious yet entirely unexpected Thursday morning.

@elizabeth_fels

Romeo possum: [kissing] You’re so hot

Juliet possum: [plays dead]

Romeo possum: Not cool, babe

@haleysfalling

I’ve decided that I’m going to start texting people back.

That’s it. That’s the joke.

@skickwriter

My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.