How do you get spiderwebs out of your hair? Asking because Spider-Man… I mean… Just asking.

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I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.


*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?


WAITER: Room for dessert?

[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]

ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don’t have one of those.


{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”


Me: “I’d like to withdraw 3 sausages and a packet of peanuts please.”

Man: “That isn’t how a food bank works, sir.”


Fill your coffee maker with cake mix for an amazingly delicious yet entirely unexpected Thursday morning.


Romeo possum: [kissing] You’re so hot

Juliet possum: [plays dead]

Romeo possum: Not cool, babe


I’ve decided that I’m going to start texting people back.

That’s it. That’s the joke.


My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.